Essays by Matthew Wilson

By Matthew Wilson I’ve always been drawn to things I can learn and build. Music, ham radio, and writing all give me something to explore. I enjoy the details, even when those details don't stay with me as long as I'd like. For years, I thought I could solve that problem with enough effort. I'd make a plan, develop a routine, or come up with a better system. Sometimes it helped. Other times I'd return to something I had already learned and find myself starting over. That can be discouraging, especially when the subject matters to me. Schizoaffective disorder affects more than my mood. It can interfere with memory, attention, motivation, and the way I interpret what's happening around me. Some of those difficulties are hard to explain because there may be nothing outwardly unusual about the moment. Paranoia and delusional thinking can make an ordinary situation feel loaded with meaning. The feeling itself may be powerful, even when my interpretati...

By Matthew Wilson At one point, I imagined the musician I'd eventually become. Around 2015, I began exploring what that might look like. Back then, it was a Korg Kaossilator, a Zoom recorder, and 8-bar loops. Nothing fancy, nothing difficult. I thought my routines would stick, that repetition would create confidence, and that collaborating would be anything but mentally exhausting. I expected familiarity. I expected things to become instinct. I expected songs, workflows, and ideas to stay with me instead of slipping away. Instead, I've found it difficult to retain terminology and maintain a working memory for the things I love. I listen to and make music, talk on my ham radio, and enjoy the technical side of both hobbies. What I wanted out of all of it was consistency. I was often learning and relearning, relying on my notes, forgetting about workflows, and having a hard time recalling things under pressure, knowing all the while that comparison is the thief of joy. Sitting dow...