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Grieving the Musician I Thought I'd Be
By Matthew Wilson At one point, I imagined the musician I'd eventually become. Around 2015, I began exploring what that might look like. Back then, it was a Korg Kaossilator, a Zoom recorder, and 8-bar loops. Nothing fancy, nothing difficult. I thought my routines would stick, that repetition would create confidence, and that collaborating would be anything but mentally exhausting. I expected familiarity. I expected things to become instinct. I expected songs, workflows, and ideas to stay with me instead of slipping away. Instead, I've found it difficult to retain terminology and maintain a working memory for the things I love. I listen to and make music, talk on my ham radio, and enjoy the technical side of both hobbies. What I wanted out of all of it was consistency. I was often learning and relearning, relying on my notes, forgetting about workflows, and having a hard time recalling things under pressure, knowing all the while that comparison is the thief of joy. Sitting do...